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Black Tinted Tears

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Excuse me while I añdlfknsdfknsdglksfg

I officially hate History. Fucking subject's been chasing me around for YEARS now, and I can't seem to pass the tests!!! I'm so fed up with it, I think I might as well become a historian, because I already know enough of American History as to write a book, and yet every time I sit for the exams, I look at the three teachers watching me intently and my brain crashes. They try to help me, but if I get confused or get something wrong, I block. I can't think anymore. My head turns from a fact/events-filled one to a blank whiteboard.

I guess you could call it stage fright. Yes, I know I suffer from this, and have been struggling to walk past it for YEARS too. I tried taking drama lessons, but I did so for a short year before the teacher moved somewhere else and the course just went to Hell. It was five years ago, though. I used to be so introverted back then, that no-one would've ever imagined I'd turn into this person I am now, one who yells, laughs to the top of her lungs, sings, makes a complete idiot out of herself, and whatnot. But like pancakes, I flipped around and just became all I wasn't.

Ungh, now "Flap My Jack" is stuck in my head.

In any case, I've been having so many carreer-crisis lately that it's no longer funny. It's worrisome for someone who knew she wanted to be an English Teacher all her life. And my parents were so supportive of it... They always 
I might've chosen the wrong profession...
helped me improve my English, paid for my extra-lessons, helped me look for a school where the level in English was good enough... And I blew it up. Dammit. Once again, I blew it up. I'm not sure I want to be a teacher anymore.

Maybe I have to explain to you guys why I wanted to become a teacher in the first place. The thing is that, I've been studying English for 15 years now, and I've always loved it. I wanted a profession where I could use the language every day without having to move to an English-speaking country, be helpful, and be surrounded by kids. It astonishes me that, being a ten-year-old, I was able to make such a choice. How mature I was! n_n *pets little me*

In any case, yes. Teaching Training Course seemed the way to go. But now, eight years later, I have so much to think about. I want to write, and I want to do so professionaly. I have a whole story I'm plotting out in my head, and I know I'd like to see it published some day. But I also want to either take an improv class or something like that... I want to be that person you can go watch make jokes at a bar, and be able to make a living of it. Stand up comedy is something I'm not ceratin I could handle, or I'd do that. Trust me, my brain would burst into flames (if I ever make it as a comedienne and you go see me at a bar, make sure to take with you a fire-extinguisher).

I would like to be a famous blogger, too. Maybe make a living of it. It'd be an amazing feeling to have fans somewhere in China or something like that, or having people read the stuff I write about because they are subscribed to me and squee every time I post, like I do with my favourite blogs. Or maybe a journalist, but I don't know what kind of journalist. Maybe have a column about some nonesense, like the things I write about here, but in a newspaper.
I've always dreamt about singing at some bar, too. It doesn't matter if it's a shithole, I'd still want to do that.

I guess it all comes down to this: I want to be someone, I want to make a change. I want to be that person that's famous but is not a douchebag, who speaks for equality and can do a bit of everything. Like Whoopi Goldberg, or something like that. I want to be influential for someone.

But I have so many options, so many things I want to do with my life, that I end up getting dizzy and saying "fuck it, I'll think about it later!"

I also know that the industry (whether it's the writing, acting, or singing one) is quite tough. And I know not everyone makes it. And I don't want to be the one who falls behind.

I know I have to pass History first, yeah. I know that. But I have so many projects, so many things I want to do, and so little I can do at the moment...

Remember when I said my parents supported me with the English thing? Well, they won't accept my other aspirations quite as simply as they did with that one. Right now, I just want to be left alone. I failed once more, I disappointed a lot of people again (including myself), I have no idea what tomorrow will bring for me... I don't think I can handle my parents' screams tonight, or their sad faces, or looking at them in the eye. I'm blue. I could've tried harder, but I didn't. And now, I have to wait and see what life'll bring.

Maybe I can ask for a job at the wiccan shops I'm going to tomorrow to buy things for rituals. Plus, they could teach me all they know, and I could have so much fun... I'll see what I can do. Maybe tomorrow's going to be a good day after a succession of crappy ones.

Here's for keeping the faith! *crosses fingers*

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"How mature I was!" at least as mature as now, which, let me tell you isn't that much (just kidding, i love you)
"I've always dreamt about singing at some bar, too. It doesn't matter if it's a shithole, I'd still want to do that." maybe you could sing while naked forest gump style
if you go tomorrow to that wiccan thing DO ask them if they've got any vacacies, don't just wait for them to spontaniously ask you to work there

Oh, my xD I love you too, in spite of my ten-year-old intellect :P

LMAO No way. I can't play the guitar.

I know, silly xD I'm going possibly tomorrow, though, 'cause Fede has this thing at his kindergarden and I have to go there. e_e I feel like his mom sometimes!

My Mum's friend is a published Author and writes for magazines and stuff. She gave me possibly the best advice for anyone who wants to do "writing" as a career. She told me that writing is all very well, sure take courses in writing but they can only do so much, you can either write or you can't. She told me to stick to my course at university (before I started it) because writers have to have something to write about. Just as comics have to find something to make amusing and singers have to have something they want to sing about. Why not explore what fuels your obviously passionate core?

That is true, love. That's why I don't want to leave the Teacher Training College. Besides, it's quite an interesting place and has inspired me several times. The thing is, I'll have to wait until next year to go back, I believe. :/

Hear, hear. I hate history. :P I'm just no good at memorizing crap I don't care about. I'm more of a science and math girl, myself.

As for the job thing, first off doing something that makes you famous isn't the best motivation for going after a career. If something makes you famous, that's a great perk, but it's not going to happen overnight, and it's not going to happen soon enough to be a proper motivation. You need to love the craft first.

If you love to write, and you love comedy, try to be a comedy blogger. Try it out and see how you like it, and if you're having fun, keep doing it, and the viewers will come. ^_^

Being a teacher also isn't the only thing you can do with an English degree. You could be a translator. You could work in a bilingual office. A lot of the time just getting secretarial positions around where I live, you have a better chance if you know both English and Spanish.

In any case, the only way to find out what you want to do is to try it. I went to school for both computer programming and art...and what did I end up doing? I work in a library. ^_^ And I love it more than anything, but the only way I figured that out was because I randomly got a job in one when I needed some extra cash. So you never know what you're going to end up doing until you get out there and start doing something.

Tell me about it. While my friends keep stuck with Math, Science, and Physics, I'm utterly stuck with History! I don't get ow they can't pass those easy tests, and vicevrsa. I find Math's a lote more fun than History, honestly. Then again, that might be my dad's fault (he's a scientist).

Ungh, I might've chosen the wrong words >_< It's not fame what I'm after, but the ability to make people think or feel when they read something I wrote. I want that which happens to me when I read a good book, or a great post. I want to make people feel like that. I want to be able to leave them with a moral, or to at least make them feel what I or te characters felt as I wrote. Does that even make sense? >_<

Comedy blogger? I've never heard that term, but I infer it's like written stand up? That would be fun :D

I've thought about the translation thing. But, even if half the credits I'm doing abilitate me to study translation, it's not something I would enjoy. I need something a bt more social, and just turning something from one language to another isn't what I would like the most. I do it on a daily basis, yes. But it's stuff I don't get paid for, and I'm not constantly doing it. I would get utterly bored. As for working in a bilingual office, yeah, I guess it could be possible. I do need to look up some job offers. Right now, I'm taking the week off after some very stressful months x_x I'm working on my CV, though. We'll see what happens.

I agree with that. I've always fancied libraries, to be honest. It's the one place where I can't walk into with empty pockets or little time. I get lost in the covers, the paragraphs, the titles, the authors... It's like a dream-job to me n_n But yeah, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what makes me the happiest, right? :)

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